to my sponsor...
I thought it was time I let you know how much your support and guidance have meant to me over these past few years. Why it is that year's end seems to evoke this urge in me, I have no idea. You above most can attest to my lack of sentimentality and my ruthlessness when it comes to self honesty. And yet....here I am letting you know what your insight and care mean in ongoing ways, even though we both speak of not speaking of it, you claiming that I do as much for you as you do for me and I insisting that your talent at camouflaging kindness is crucial to how my dignity is maintained.
I like this dance of ours. It's not like I'm at risk of losing my hard fought sobriety.... it's been, as they say, a few 24 hours. Clean and sober are not the battlegrounds they once were. Now the battles are fought in the heart, in the gut, in the mirror. Give me a good old fashioned shit-knocking any day. Now you warn me off my vindictive fantasies and negative self talk, as if someone was actually going to get hurt. You are, you would say. And then you would warn me about dismissing that out of hand because it is a swift slide down into the bullshit pity pot. I resent that, and you know that, too, keenly aware as you are of how neither one of us goes that particular route, it being the easier, softer way.
So, yes, lots to thank you for. And this year especially, when you assure me that privacy is not deceit, but a right-- a boundary that I ought to cultivate with as much tenacity as I cultivate service; that preference is a behaviour, not only a feeling, and that it is also mine to enact, that one word or the other will do : yes/no.... without offering reasons; that 30 minutes of boredom continues to be the challenge you hold out to me.... and when I ask, cumulative or consecutive, you smile and tell me to exercise my best judgement on that one...
my best judgement..... and here's the best part of that... you believe I have it as far as these three mundane life- saving skills are concerned. And so I shall exercise it.... so I shall.
I won't finish with love or warm regards
I'll wish you what each of us values as much.... another 24 hours.
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this is a letter format based in a prompt from Jon at expressivesubjects. I am glad I had the opportunity to get these sentiments down in words... my sponsor is a gift to me and I am grateful.
ReplyDeleteAll the best for 2010, Harlequin, hope it will be a carnival!
ReplyDeletePeace and Love Harlequin through all of 2010.
ReplyDeleteI always forget about the word thingie.
Grace unto you.
Walk your road as it is without regret H. If you have another you can walk comfortably with then at least the silences are not so loud.
ReplyDeleteBe Well
It is really well written the letter, I think is
ReplyDeleteamazingly clear and it says everything it wants to say
to the sponsor, or however is called, other thing I like
from here is that it never looses it s style, no matter what
it is talking about. Also really interesting content, I understand it has nothing to do with me but it left me thinking nevertheless.
Happy Year H
Eshuneutics-- thanks for the comment and the sentiment; good wishes to you as well
ReplyDeletePunch-- so nice of you to leave these kind words-- looking forward to more reads and comments in 2010
WM-- it is good to have a kindred spirit; neither the silences or the solitudes is as terrifying as it was. Happy new year ahead.
Mariana-- glad you liked the style as well as the content. thanks for your kind comments; happy new year to you, too.
Good use of the prompt. Have a beautiful New Year.
ReplyDeletethanks, Dave--- and to you, too!
ReplyDeleteOh that is a beauty of a letter and your words ring true to my ears and heart. Lovely, you. I am especially liking how you have closed her.
ReplyDelete'I won't finish with love or warm regards
I'll wish you what each of us values as much.... another 24 hours.'
SarahA-- thank you for your lovely words....they ring true to me, one who does not use the word lightly.....
ReplyDeleteglad to see you here :)