Dying/broken/forgiven.... now I begin

Born: 17-06-56....gemini.... monkey
re-born: 3-09-80
born again\found: 14-04-08
other notable dates: 10-03-68; 03-09-87; 23-03-96;
1-05-98; 31-01-02; 5-04-04

Interests: movement, stressed/transgressive embodiment, lived experience (body\space\time\relation)
expression ( word, dance, text, image, story, music, poetics)
learning, yielding......

Hopes for the blog:
offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters....
enact kindness
create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Journal entry: Resolution or folly ?

Here is a quote that grabbed me by the throat:
" You can't talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into"

it's attributed to Stephen Covey; however, regardless of the source, I cannot get it out of my head. Perhaps it has something to do with my returning to full time duty at my workplace after a six month sabbatical. Perhaps it is too close to the bone, an inconvenient insight better left unearthed.... even though I am not one who's inclined to shirk self honesty.
The upshot is, it's got me thinking and reflecting about the problems I have behaved myself into, and how talking or thinking about doing things differently will not suffice if behaviour is what got me up to my neck in water in the first place. At least it's water and not some other substance that is equally applicable.....
Obviously, I have to behave myself out. Sounds simple enough..... but like so much that appears simple, it's not easy. Perhaps that's what will be the appeal...
you see, it's not the nasty stuff that calls out to my over-commitment gene ... it is the fulfilling stuff , the tendency to plan like I'm going to live forever and to live like I'm going to die tomorrow.... and now, more than ever, I have so much in my life that deserves my being present for moments that I only hoped would happen.

I've said it elswhere: if a thing does not gladden my heart, I am going to have to lay it down.
I've said it elsewhere: yielding is the hardest work of hope and craft.
These, then, will be the touchstones; I will trust them.


  1. somehow, it doesn't sound like a good situation. but i can sympathize... i've behaved myself into a bit of hot water myself...

  2. I find that forgiving one's self is the most difficult part of hope and craft. Realizing that we behaved ourselves into a situation puts the power back into our hands. You (one) did it and you (one) are the only one (you) that can undo it.
    (Now we are at the meaning of it)Next!(chuckle)

  3. May you recognize behavior as a rut. Never be so predictable that you get stuck in the ruts.

  4. Dear friend:
    Here is something that sometimes helps me, hope it works for you.
    “Whenever I feel sad, the sad feeling tends to manifest in my seeing humans (myself included) as orangutans. A human ordering coffee, a human offended when someone cuts in line, a human sprinting to refill a parking meter— in my moods all those people are orangutans. And this feeling doesn’t make more real the secret emotional lives of orangutans— that would be one option. Instead it makes all the humans (with their loves, their hates, their haircuts, their beloved unconsciouses) seem sublimely ridiculous. Normal life, absurd. She loves you— who cares? She left you— so what? Scratch your armpiit with your long, long arm and continue on, or not.”

  5. I have no genteel comments to leave for you, no my style as you well know.

    Your opening line.... a killer!

    Why beat about the bush? You're good.

  6. I think we could all take that quote to heart and remember it. Fine post.

  7. Dave--thanks for this comment; regardless of my immediate emotional response, the power of the quote will stay with me
    Oyvind--that's my project! howdja know? great question...
    Jimmy-- I like your style :>); thanks for the comment on the opener... coming from you it means a lot.
    Mariana--this is beyond helpful; not only for the present angst, but also for every committee meeting I will ever attend.
    WM--sage advice; I'm not planning on any long term relationships with ruts; well said.
    Punch-- more sage words.... the forgiveness of self is an ongoing challenge, yes? thanks, and thanks as well for the chuckle.
    Jon-- and more than hot water, I'll wager.... thanks for the empathy and compassion, much appreciated, as always....

  8. We're definitely suffering from the same work-ethic... I find my behaviour more and more aggressive toward the mindlessness of all that paper

  9. Pisces--- aha... good to know that a similarly tortured soul is out there and feels my pain; thanks for the comment and the connection to the work ethic.... it is a nice insight for me to chew on for awhile.