Resolution/s

Do

less

better. 

Big 

Rocks

first. 

Waltz

slow, quick, quick
three over four
long, short, short
lean, twist, turn
sustain the Basic
step
Push serves glide
ride
 swift, silent
 slash
looks effortless
as breath
light touch
firm hands
takes time
reach
& gesture
unbearable tension
and heart....

oh,yes; especially that.

Sex and drugs and rock and roll

Young, oblivious, bold-
flashes of common sense
popping up like clowns or daffodils
once in a blue moon
(the one that left me standing alone.....)
remembering how much
fun
was the most important goal
with sex and drugs and rock and roll

not only fun, of course, or just kicks
some of it felt like love
and might have been
some of it felt like flying
to the planet of the big ideas no one has ever had before
top of the pole
bottom of the hole
finish off whatever is in the bottom of the bowl
sex and drugs and rock and roll

looking back, now
not complex
age changes how things matter
what intimacy means
what words and music mean
richer, deeper
or more easily dispatched
perspective borne of struggle and joy
deceit and bullshit take their toll
on
sex and drugs and rock and roll

still, sweeter than the softest dawn
the long caress of twilight
opens up
stillness
stretches out
moments of fierce, delightful tenderness
feed the soul
dwelling with/in
sex and drugs and rock and roll

By the time you read this

By the time you read this

snow will have settled 

and drifted

trees will have whispered 

and leaned

night will have fallen

and lifted

sounds will have murmured 

and keened

I know how time is a candle

a pendulum, seashore, a rift

fire and sand

I can handle

by the time you read this

it's a gift

This morning I screamed...

This morning I screamed and kicked the photocopier.
clearly, I am processing rage, resentment, both....
fortunately, there was only one witness
 and she was only slightly appalled
then, I went back to my office, did a fuck dance, and indulged in a little sniffle.
NOT a cry. A sniffle.

Today, I can tell you that this episode happened over two months ago.
I have sat on it since then. The rage, that is....not the photocopier.
Today I can tell you that today is all I've got.
I have been living deeply in these many 24 hours since I screamed
and kicked the photocopier. 

Today I have once again committed to being in today.
I need the clarity of boundary and the fuzziness of hope.
I need to do my work
and step back.
But mostly, step back.

I am leaning into these words from me
and the words that beckon from you.

September 3, 1980

this day carried me into my
birth
began to mean something 
 more than wondering
how hope punches
its tiny fist
unfurls
opening my hands 
and my heart
will never be the same

Is that a Phallag, or are you just happy to see me?

Neighbour finds partner and me troublesome.  Our houses' side by side conjoined existence causes no end of angst and irritation. Year round she places her snowman figurine's caption " GO AWAY" (presumably meant for the snow? ) in the front facing position so that we see it with every step we take to our front door. Actually, I am pretty sure it is partner who she hates more... I am simply collateral damage.
Our relationship was not always this strained. When we moved in 15 years ago, she was simply unfriendly and rude. Now, however,  thanks to several transformative moments, she has undergone a renewed commitment to bullying and retribution strategies.
Early disputes involved parking and garbage boundaries... one inch over the property dividing line in her direction calls forth screaming and verbal abuse. I have to say, that, as a Newfoundlander, her verbal abuse does not really come up to the standard I am used to, but she is a mainlander, so I cut her some slack. Then we moved on to a need to repair our back yard fence and attempt to connect it to a post that already exists on her property. We asked if we could connect. She refused. Sigh. I commissioned a survey of the property line so that we would know where we could put up our own post. Expensive, of course, this survey stuff. But the fellas did a splendid job and delivered their report to both of us, how courteous of them. Turns out the post is on OUR property. Tsk Tsk. I was all for simply connecting and moving on. Partner decided that it was important to remove the ornament on the top of the post that was now "ours" since he never liked that ornament anyway. Good mature decision making all around, here. Neighbour began directing her two German Shepherds to poop next to our back yard fence. More mature decision making. Then, we needed to have a large and dying tree in our back yard cut down, so we had to ask neighbour to remove her clothes line from the tree.
Then things got a little more .... symbolic.
Once the tree disappeared, neighbour's partner found a ten foot high flag pole and inserted it in their back yard near the fence so that their drying clothes would blow over the fence... more mature decision making.
so, years pass and so do the opportunities for increasingly unpleasant interactions. Neighbour buys a snow blower and clears  in front of everyone's house except ours. Silly, really, since the internal road way that runs in front of the dozen or so connected row houses in our town house set- up has to be used by all of us to get out onto the main road... it looks like a strange sort of crew cut, but on a road.
We then began experiencing some nasty vandalism... piles of dead cigarette butts on our steps, scratches on our car, stones removed and rearranged on the landscaped slope in front of our house. Partner decides we need a security light with a motion sensor. Other neighbours are delighted... everyone can see better and there are fewer late night visits from creative individuals looking for ways to express themselves. Next door neighbour is most unhappy... the lights are too bright. We move the lights so they angle away from neighbour's  stairs' ascent angle.
Not enough effort on our part, however. Neighbour's partner then inserts a flagpole into the front of their house at a 45 degree angle, just above and very near our mail box (this feat of carpentry performed shirtless in the cool breeziness of early April in Ontario), and then procures the largest Canadian flag I have ever seen. It drapes beautifully.  And when the wind blows and the flag unfurls, usually in front of of our front door, the security light flares in all its glory. Such an impressive display of reciprocal patriotism. Ahem.
Today, another team of fellas arrived and installed an awning over our  front door. Partner hopes that this will keep the flag out of our faces and keep the light from being tripped for no security reason.
I  (somewhat anxiously) await the next vertical insertion .... I am sure it will be as tasteful and subtle as its predecessors.
Stay tuned!!

Longest Day

There, at the sweet spot 

on the Rose line

a circle of stones

greets

purple dawn

 awaits

an old friend

with sweet anticipation

If you linger in the stillness a few moments

longer

you, too, can bask in the warm glow 

of ancient ritual and necessary remembering

one of the things that keeps me going.....

The cure for boredom is curiosity.
There is no cure for curiosity.

Dorothy Parker

 

on the edge of summer at a university in times of (purported) austerity

Early June and times are strange
Days are longer, nights are hot
Orders camouflaged as change
Lies grow stronger, fester, rot
Deceitful compost
Helpful? NOT!

More than ever, digging deep
Cynicism as a tool
Authenticity can seep
Upwards from the darkest pool
Borne of unrelenting creep
Even on the fumes of fuel
Vigilance is no one's fool
Maybe--that's a helpful rule
Riding on a steadfast mule

Sea Horse

Quicksilver stillness

shimmering

 space

impossibly silent

effortless grace

Question mark hybrid

older than time

 hovering

 watchful

seaworthy mime

Inconceivable

yet 

so iridescently

and improbably

present

My New Normal

Sleep is a good thing
No bullshit tolerance, whatsoever
An even greater appreciation for the absurd

nauseous

Either remembering that I forgot something OR forgetting that I remembered something

nauseous

Realizing that over-commitment will very soon, of necessity, become a thing of the past

nauseous

".... that weird lack of sensation feeling in your fingers and toes? yeah, that might be your new normal..."

" .... those strange short term memory lapses, when you know that you know how to do something, but you still don't know how to do it NOW? yeah, that might be your new normal...."

nauseous

Caution going upstairs
Caution going downstairs

nauseous

Writing everything down.... everything!
The phrase " my oncology team"
Regular 3 month check-ins with .... my oncology team

nauseous

The phrase " my oncologist says...."

nauseous

Thinner
Wondering if I am strong enough to lift that
Cancelling meetings
Sending regrets


nauseous

Wanting (desperately!!) to do things that give me joy (like blogging) and feeling duty bound to do the obligations to which I have (stupidly) (over)-committed and which I am beginning to hate more and more

nauseous

Knowing that I am finished with doing things that I hate. FINISHED. WITH. IT.
Pissed off that it took cancer/radiation/chemotherapy and their aftermath/s to give me an "aha" moment about stopping spending time on things that I hate.

nauseous

Living with/in the aftermath/s
Diving deep....
..... and surfacing.