Dying/broken/forgiven.... now I begin

Born: 17-06-56....gemini.... monkey
re-born: 3-09-80
born again\found: 14-04-08
other notable dates: 10-03-68; 03-09-87; 23-03-96;
1-05-98; 31-01-02; 5-04-04

Interests: movement, stressed/transgressive embodiment, lived experience (body\space\time\relation)
expression ( word, dance, text, image, story, music, poetics)
learning, yielding......

Hopes for the blog:
offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters....
enact kindness
create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness

Monday, April 13, 2009

The old skipper.... ( almost a year ago...)

I remember when my dad got old enough and nefarious enough to be called "skipper" ... a Newfoundland honorific reserved for the select few heartless, vicious old bastards who outlasted the others... if ever a hard-ass deserved that title, it was my father.. all these shady old characters running into him out and around, saying " how's she goin', skipper", giving him his due, a rank earned of hard knocks, as bad as the worst of them. We've had our battles, the old skipper and me, and we're calmer now...
These 20 years I've been shipwrecked here on the mainland, and my Sunday night telephone calls thankfully anchor me to the Rock; they are my touchstones, my return to my ground. My phone calls... when I hear the old skipper's gruff voice, that same voice that's told a thousand arseholes to go to hell, his gravel voice and harder hands, never needing to be that way at home because we knew what he was capable of on the street, the old skipper.
And we're calmer now...
years later, we all can talk and laugh and when I call my family every Sunday, 8:00 pm Canada time, 9:30 in Newfoundland, we can say we love each other and know what that means...
So, that was some phone call the Sunday after you found me after all these years. My sister and I have been talking on the phone on a few Mondays and Tuesdays since...
She tells me " Mom and Dad are acting...different"
"what are they up to?" I ask
"they've been hugging each other and smiling and talking about you more than usual" she says
I don't know what to say to that. I've been smiling a lot, too. She says " they're celebrating..."
That's OK with me; I'm fine with celebrating this gift...given

So, this past Sunday I was talking to my dad and he says to me," you know, I never stopped prayin' for that little fella "
"I know, Dad," I said " I never stopped, either"
... and it all came washing over me, all the tears we never cried for you, all the words we never spoke about you, all there, terrible and beautiful, and then, my father's voice...
and I knew that in spite of it all, in spite of all the shite we put each other through, all he ever wanted was for me to be happy, and here we are, the old skipper and me, battles over, and still, that's all he wants for me now.
And that's all I want for you.


  1. this was a narrative I wrote almost a year ago ... I wanted to give a tribute to my dad for all he has endured and learned... and for all I have endured and learned as he and I made our way back to respect and regard over the years... and I wanted to write about the incomparable experience of being found after many years of wondering and missing... loving thanks to my dad and to my amazing son

  2. Comes a time when the Capn's experiences come back in a flood of memory. All the voyages taken and seas sailed, survived and conquered. It is then when he will allow that he has had a good crew and will share the treasure not measured in gold.

  3. It's all about connections, isn't it?

    Heart-touching post of what had to a heart-wrenching experience for all concerned.

  4. Happy "NEW" Birthday to our "little fella" and I never stopped either. This is the most beautiful thing you've written. I'm thinking a lot about you two today. WE love you!

  5. WM-- well, you surely " got " the cap'n!! thanks.
    Crow--- it was wrenching; and the here and now well worth the pain of that journey... the connections just keep on giving
    Anonymous... glad you liked this ... the " little fella " and I had a great day... I love him deeply and shamelessly...
    hugs and love right back atcha!!

  6. This is so touching and wonderingly amazing. No, I am not saying it right. this is real, not artifice. What I look for.

  7. Echo-- your words and sentiments honour me and my words...thank you.