Dying/broken/forgiven.... now I begin

Born: 17-06-56....gemini.... monkey
re-born: 3-09-80
born again\found: 14-04-08
other notable dates: 10-03-68; 03-09-87; 23-03-96;
1-05-98; 31-01-02; 5-04-04

Interests: movement, stressed/transgressive embodiment, lived experience (body\space\time\relation)
expression ( word, dance, text, image, story, music, poetics)
learning, yielding......

Hopes for the blog:
offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters....
enact kindness
create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness

Monday, January 28, 2013


Chemical, poison, , beast, fire, train.
And, for its encore, there are other destructive effects other than preventing the cancer cells from doing what they do.
It is powerful and nasty.
I have been living with this beast since mid December. I have learned that the day of, and the two days after are relatively good. Then, by day three, the effects hit me like a train. Pain, disorientation, nausea, loss of sensation..... the anti vomit drugs are great. But, they are a bit of a wild combination in themselves. One of them is an amphetamine/steroid combo and the other is a narcotic, so I have the added thrill of being REALLY ALERT  and really confused and fuzzy at the same time. This lovely feeling lasts for the week or so after the treatment. Then, things start to subside.
Two weeks and one day after the first treatment, I began to lose my hair. 10 days later, it is all gone. I am getting reacquainted with my head. I like it! I have a pretty good looking head.
At my second treatment, my oncologist and I have a consult and he  decides that 10 days of pain and loss of sensation and reflexes are not harbingers of good things to come, so he discontinues the Taxol.
I am now on only one chemical, and while it is a poison, it is not the beast that Taxol is. And the drip is only one hour as opposed to the four and half it took the first time.
I am so happy!!
The week after is still not fun; but it is a distress I can manage. Four to go. One is next week and then I am half way there. Yippee!!
I am surprised at how much my energy has been affected. I always took it for granted, assumed I had an infinitely renewable resource, never gave it a second thought.  Now, I actually have to think and choose. I am learning new habits of body.  This is a gift I did not expect, but I am learning to listen and wait in ways that I did not have to consider before. I am open to my moments..... I am learning how to yield.

I am so grateful for the support of friends, here in the blogosphere and in my face to face world. Your and their ongoing compassion and witnessing have been touching and meaningful.


  1. I greatly admire your strength in the face of this terrible ordeal. I am not a religious person, but I am one who believes in positive thinking for the benefit of others. Nothing but pluses coming from me, directed to you, dear one.

  2. H---oney you still have that boundless well of energy and thoughtfulness. It was necessary to cover the well until the treatments are complete. Can't take a chance on poisoning it but don't worry it's there still, in good shape and waiting.

  3. Not much to add from me - I love what Walking Man said, though.

  4. I have a couple of cancer survivors in my life and they both went through hell to get here. But it's so nice to have them around. As they say 'round these here parts, keep it 'tween the ditches... shiny side up.

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  6. jadedj--thanks for the visit and the kind words.I am dwelling in the positive and it seems to be serving me well.
    WM--thanks for the fine words of balance and perspective. well said.
    Intelliwench-- thanks for the visit and the support. much appreciated
    Mr. C. -- thanks for the ditches comment..... smart folks around them there parts!! btw, my head is quite shiny..... but I am getting the beginnings of some fuzzy new growth. yippee.

  7. getting reacquainted with your head - I like that on all levels - unwilling military haircut is the closest I've come (physically)
    Keep on kicking that can around Mo.

  8. Garth-hey there... after I thought about it, I kinda like that notion as well... getting reacquainted with my head. And you have to know, if there is a can, I plan on kicking it around. Cheers!