Dying/broken/forgiven.... now I begin

Born: 17-06-56....gemini.... monkey
re-born: 3-09-80
born again\found: 14-04-08
other notable dates: 10-03-68; 03-09-87; 23-03-96;
1-05-98; 31-01-02; 5-04-04

Interests: movement, stressed/transgressive embodiment, lived experience (body\space\time\relation)
expression ( word, dance, text, image, story, music, poetics)
learning, yielding......

Hopes for the blog:
offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters....
enact kindness
create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Is there anything more absurd.....

November ended with definite rain, heavy enough to sound like slap, feel like lash...
that was the morning of that day, slap & lash, wet, but still preferable to the human versions...
of slap and lash, that is

then, the day itself, beautiful work and raw hope, embarrassing in their earnest intensity
buttressed against bureaucracy & habit, desperate not to succumb
wondering if triumph is nothing but a carrot or maybe a lemon
make lemonade,
there's a noble venture
exhausted, treading water end of day, almost dark a red dusk sky stopped me in my tracks
in the middle of the parking lot, tranquil pink pouring stark and lovely over tree silhouettes
so calm, I am present for my breath
I see it become part of the twilight
remembering a saying about  red sky at night

November. The most bipolar month so far. Not its fault. Warm & cold;
wet & dry;
grass & gravel
wired & tired
cheerful & jaded
sick & tired
good intentions no excuses
nothing but excuses,  rationalizations, really... & deceit
supposedly all that distinguishes humans from animals
there's a noble venture
just admit being swamped even though there's no good reason
as if some awesome judge is taking account of the good reasons
oh, wait,  I guess I'm the judge, the committee in my head, whoa...
pride, my old nemesis, is that it?? But it's not
not the same as in the before time
I've got no trouble owning the darkness
saying I don't know how to do that, help me. My mistakes no longer make me small...
so, WTF with treading water, who's in charge of water, damn, it's me
haven't written from my heart in weeks for myself for others who care enough to read
haven't read from others' hearts in weeks for myself for others who care enough to write
yeah, yeah, I know, no sense of obligation, I get it...
but I want to be haunted by what matters
there's a noble venture

sickness asserts itself
something I cannot get over
days pass
puking, urging, shitting, groaning, staggering, stinking, shivering, sweating, pathetic
huddled, sipping screaming hot herbal tea,
savoring cold orange juice & water, as if I had never tasted it before...
soothed by time & gravity
I yield. There's a noble venture.
I move into December, feeling the pull of the long night, realizing that I'm longing for it...
longing for it

thanks to forethought, fore-ordained plans
I head North, where clean cold awaits. I know this cold
necessarily unhurried
waiting,  I notice simple, silly things
is there anything more absurd than a pigeon running away from a bus?
I feel something give inside
I yield.


  1. What a disaster....

    I am so sad that you struggle. I am not doing that well myself but many levels above the deeps that have taken you, I think. I have been in bandage for two weeks, unable to work due to the leg wrap, but the wound is basically minor.

    Thank you for letting me know. I think I shall have something to say to the Higher Power now.

  2. Uhhh North? Humans are warmth seeking creatures...but if you must then be well and travel in safety.

  3. Christopher-- i am better with each passing day. sorry to hear about the leg wrap... hopefully you will also feel things giving way as well.... and i have a feeling that you and i offer similar communications to HP. namaste.
    WM-- it was already in the works.... normally, i am a heat seeking beast .... but there is something about the North that i love dearly. thanks for the visit and the sentiment. hope you are well.

  4. Oh dear, I had no idea...or, ideer, as they say down south where I grew up. No one from down there ever went North, in my mind...and then I did. Some shit that.

    I hope you're feeling better...seriously. Remember, it is all a test each time around...most of us fail and have to be re-tested. Peace, Love and all like that dear person.

  5. jadedj-- thanks so much for stopping by and for the sentiments. how nice.
    i love the north.... there is something quite stark that brings clarity....

    and, i am feeling much much better. a rough patch, to be sure, but now on the other side. it seems to me that yielding is the lesson i need to learn again and again.
    hugs back to you.

  6. I read this on the day it was posted. I could not think of what to say.
    Other than, I know.
    I know.
    There. There.

    It's been a week now, I hope all is much better.

  7. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  8. I've been coming back to try and figure this one out... The best impression I get is that you're doing the poetic equivalent of the cinematic 'breaking the fourth wall' and (as in cinema) it serves to disturb this reader from his ennui.

  9. punch-thanks for the kind comment. i am much better. it was a good lesson in not letting myself get so run down that there is no way to stop the consequences. feeling much better, thanks!
    garth-- it's that stream of consciousness thing, ya know... takes me to wild places. i agree with your insight about the fourth wall... it does unsettle the reader. thanks for the visit and your usual thoughtful comment.

  10. harlequin, this was the perfect description of November! And there's nothing like a good year-end purge to get one's perspective back in order, even if it is kind of a rough go.

    Hope you have a very happy holiday season and an even better New Year!

  11. intelliwench-- i thought you might relate to this!! thanks for the visit and the kind sentiment. warm wishes to you for a great holiday and new year.