Dying/broken/forgiven.... now I begin

Born: 17-06-56....gemini.... monkey
re-born: 3-09-80
born again\found: 14-04-08
other notable dates: 10-03-68; 03-09-87; 23-03-96;
1-05-98; 31-01-02; 5-04-04

Interests: movement, stressed/transgressive embodiment, lived experience (body\space\time\relation)
expression ( word, dance, text, image, story, music, poetics)
learning, yielding......

Hopes for the blog:
offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters....
enact kindness
create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness

Friday, May 6, 2011

the tunnel and the light... I think ( for now...)

These past couple of weeks following my father's death have been reflective and exhausting. Reflective because I feel compelled to dwell with thoughts and feelings and not rush anything. It feels like it is  important to be present for what is.
Exhausting because the day after I arrived back in my home province, I had to get my body ready for two abso(f*#@ing)lutely deeeeelightful medical procedures that would happen the next day. I know I am not alone in this prep for medical procedures, but shitting for an entire day is NOT a fun way to spend a day. Not to mention that there was no way to get any of the backlog of work done .... perhaps I could have moved a lap-desk into the bathroom. Um, no. Then two reasonably uncomfortable days following the procedures where the fermenting pile of backlogged material keeps getting higher and higher ( that's a pile of paper... the work backlog... not another kind of backlog). Finally got the pile down to manageable proportions and then got through the next phase of a new fermenting pile of material....  don't get me wrong, I love my job; working in the education field is a privilege... however,  there are certain times of the year when the work feels endless and thankless.
OK, got through that endless thankless phase.... now, today, partner and I fly to Washington, DC for a conference ( oh, yeah.... that was the other thing, getting the writing ready for this conference... but it's all good). As a Canadian, living quite near the U.S. border I have been somewhat baffled by the various stages of alertness that my neighbour to south has been experiencing lo these past few years. As a Newfoundlander, I wonder who is benefiting from such a thoughtfully crafted scam. Today, as a traveller in a U.S. airport, I am realizing I would rather be going to any city .... except Washington, DC.
And, I hate, hate, hate flying. I was still a practicing alcoholic when I first began air travel, and was blissfully unaware of, well, pretty much everything, really, but especially the sounds, turbulence, shifts in speed, take offs and landings... ok,  all of it. My first flight sober was horrific. I was nervous as a cat, ready to jump out of my skin at every nuance ....  as they say about living  sober: son of a bitch, everything's real.
Anyway, back to today's flying adventure. It was a " hop" (hah, I love the casual treatment of that word; a hop, you say) from Buffalo to Washington DC,  so the plane was small. Small. I am no great height (barely 5'4") and I banged my head into the ceiling numerous times as I fidgeted and organized myself into a semblance of obedient seatedness. And again on my way to the bathroom. And on this, the bathroom... here 's a body cue to help you turn around: raise your arms over your head and shimmy around in a small circle before you sit; also,  do a good shoulder warm- up before you head back there so that you don't have to be contortionist in order to finish up the paper work when you're done with the.... other business. I return to my seat and Partner consoles me; be grateful that you don't have to stand up and aim, he says.
I am grateful; I now have a visual to take my mind off the wind gusts that rocked the plane on the approach to Reagan International. Obviously, we landed and I once again evaded the jaws of death. Fear is what it is; there's nothing rational about it. And for that, I am also grateful.

One more thing, while I am practicing my gratitude.... I am grateful for the opportunities blogging gives me to write, to read others' writing, to enjoy funny, thoughtful, irreverent, poignant and tender writing and comments from people who feel moved to express and encourage. I find this community of writers to be patient and supportive, and am impressed in ongoing ways with the acts of bravery, kindness,  creativity and humanity that I have the privilege to encounter. I know that writing and reading have inevitable ebb and flow and that life's unfolding does not happen on a schedule. That said, when the ocean finds its way back to calm, it's nice to have a harbour waiting for the boat.


  1. For a while there I really wasn't sure whether you were describing the work process or the medical procedure. yikes!

  2. pisces.. ah yes, the fermenting pile.... well, a little bit of ambiguity is good for the writer's soul. but, yikes is also appropriate... given the possibilities :)
    thanks for the visit!

  3. A visit to Washington DC is rife with scatalogical possibilities... watch your step!

  4. intelliwench... no shit!!
    seriously, it's been a nice few days. here until tuesday, then a late afternoon flight back to buffalo. thanks for the visit and the pithy comment.

  5. Your blog entry took us on quite a journey / ride / flight -- both emotionally and physically. In case you felt lonely in it, trust me, so many of us can identify. You might have also been writing someone else's story. :)

  6. I'm sorry that I've been absent, dealing with my own stuff, and failed to notice your rather more grown-up stuff with your father. I hope that you're doing okay these days. Take care.

  7. Google ate my comment. It was no doubt totally pretentious.

    Your writing is wonderful.

  8. formyjourney-- well thanks for the kind words and the visit. nice to see you.
    madame-- i am doing well, thanks; reflecting and not rushing. more perspective about what's getting worked up about ( not much, as it turns out!)
    hope all is going well with you as well. thanks for the visit.
    christopher-- i doubt you could be pretentious if you tried, although it might be funny to give it a shot... ha!!
    thanks for this sweet comment. i hope you are doing well...

  9. Nice work. I came across your blog while “blog surfing” using the Next Blog button on the blue Nav Bar located at the top of my blogger.com site. I frequently just travel around looking for other blogs which exist on the Internet, and the various, creative ways in which people express themselves. Thanks for sharing.

  10. inspector--thanks for the visit and the comment. drop by anytime!

  11. Sorry I didn't realize your fathers passing. I REALLY need to come by more often. Thanks for your bravery and honesty in sharing this... it's funny how our neurosis conspire to tear us down, even as our lives grow in depth and energy. Obviously I hope you are healthy and OK. Whatever the two of those mean.