Autism camp 2010: writing from the inside out

... you need to know up front that i am a deeply damaged person & the mere fact of my survival with/in this world of others is an accomplishment; that, you need to know

you need to know that preferences are baffling and i have no idea what one is and i wouldn't know one if it bit me on the arse and i wish i was not called upon so often to have to know what the damn things are much less express them, and thinking about this all the time is exhausting; this you need to know

you need to know that i don't know what triggers those awful responses i sometimes have and that i don't know when or how those things roll in like thunder clouds and those cracking and crashing sounds i hear might be only mine but i hear them anyway and i feel them too and i am scared shitless and ashamed but i do the things i have to do to get through; that you need to know

... and by the way, you need to know that darkness has a sound and a touch and a temperature; this you need to know

you need to know that some mornings it can take me hours to get dressed because i have to change my clothes so often because they ITCH or they don't feel right or they don't work together or they aren't matching the ways they need to or they are and it still doesn't matter because something could happen later on and what i am wearing will not be what is needed in the time when i should have been wearing something else and i forgot about this thing that was going to happen in this time when i was getting ready earlier and that is what was making it so impossible earlier, so much to consider, so many ways that things can turn out; that you need to know

you need to know that i might have lots of times when i appear to be just like you and that perhaps i am more like you than you know; this you need to know

that is enough for now; so much for this and that