on the edge of summer at a university in times of (purported) austerity

Early June and times are strange
Days are longer, nights are hot
Orders camouflaged as change
Lies grow stronger, fester, rot
Deceitful compost
Helpful? NOT!

More than ever, digging deep
Cynicism as a tool
Authenticity can seep
Upwards from the darkest pool
Borne of unrelenting creep
Even on the fumes of fuel
Vigilance is no one's fool
Maybe--that's a helpful rule
Riding on a steadfast mule

Sea Horse

Quicksilver stillness

shimmering

 space

impossibly silent

effortless grace

Question mark hybrid

older than time

 hovering

 watchful

seaworthy mime

Inconceivable

yet 

so iridescently

and improbably

present

My New Normal

Sleep is a good thing
No bullshit tolerance, whatsoever
An even greater appreciation for the absurd

nauseous

Either remembering that I forgot something OR forgetting that I remembered something

nauseous

Realizing that over-commitment will very soon, of necessity, become a thing of the past

nauseous

".... that weird lack of sensation feeling in your fingers and toes? yeah, that might be your new normal..."

" .... those strange short term memory lapses, when you know that you know how to do something, but you still don't know how to do it NOW? yeah, that might be your new normal...."

nauseous

Caution going upstairs
Caution going downstairs

nauseous

Writing everything down.... everything!
The phrase " my oncology team"
Regular 3 month check-ins with .... my oncology team

nauseous

The phrase " my oncologist says...."

nauseous

Thinner
Wondering if I am strong enough to lift that
Cancelling meetings
Sending regrets


nauseous

Wanting (desperately!!) to do things that give me joy (like blogging) and feeling duty bound to do the obligations to which I have (stupidly) (over)-committed and which I am beginning to hate more and more

nauseous

Knowing that I am finished with doing things that I hate. FINISHED. WITH. IT.
Pissed off that it took cancer/radiation/chemotherapy and their aftermath/s to give me an "aha" moment about stopping spending time on things that I hate.

nauseous

Living with/in the aftermath/s
Diving deep....
..... and surfacing.

This is how I learn

This is how I learn to write 

after weeks of longest night

when it seemed like thought took flight 

this is how I learn

This is how I yearn to share

all the triumph and the fear

from this overwhelming year

this is how I yearn

This is how I burn and rage

against the bullshit assholes wage

almost daily, stage and page

this is how I burn

This is how I turn around

after silence, after sound

grateful, humble, deeper ground

this is how I turn

This is how I learn to say

all that's precious in this day

and the next one, I will stay

open, yielding to the way

wonder, pain and hope can play

I am dwelling, I am dwelling

this is how I learn

...'tis a small thing, but my own....

Tales from Autism camp.... Vignette #3

Meet Walker. Pre-adolescent boy, precocious as hell. Bright, busy, curious.... and did I mention that he is a precocious pre-adolescent boy?
Walker also talks about himself in the third person, but he makes these little announcements, in case anyone working with him needs a bit of time to react.
" Walkerscratchyourface!!!" he delivers in a hideous whisper....
You are looking at his cute, round little cherubic face, thinking, there is no way he will scratch my face, surely..... but while you are thinking this, you really need to be backing up because Walker WILL scratch your face.
He is a pretty good biter as well.  You will have learned to " feed the bite", that is, push your arm (or whatever body part is being bit) deeper into the bite, or push on the back of his head to push him deeper into the bite. Your first instinct, to pull away.... not good!! You may even use the pinch the nose technique, which is effective because eventually, he has to breathe. Walker, however, has adapted.  He can bite with his mouth open so that he can keep breathing while you pinch his nose. The Borg could take lessons from Walker.... he can adapt.
The past two summers he has introduced a special new strategy (although considering it is a pre teenaged boy we are speaking about, this is actually a long standing strategy, pardon the pun.... you'll see what I mean in a moment...). When he wants to do a vehement protest or just be downright impish, he whips down his pants and pulls out his tiny little penis, stretching it to its fullest length. And he, well, sort of brandishes it about for as long as he can before we catch him and get it put away. Of course he is giggling madly all the while he is doing this.... I hope you are getting a visual. It is especially silly looking when he does this dramatic  display of the unit while he is wearing his noise cancelling headphones ( they are huge, btw, .... the headphones, I mean).
Despite his unit displaying antics, Walker is a great kid. He is honest, and, in many ways, is as typical a preteen boy as any other young fella I have worked with over the years.  Even though we cannot let him see our reaction (because then there would be no end of opportunities to see the unit.... ) we do have a good time at our end of the day debrief. He keeps us on our toes. He reminds us that we need to pay attention to the small things, or, we will indeed be paying attention to a small thing.

.... a very sad song!

Tales from Autism camp.... vignette #2

Virginia speaks about herself in the third person. She says things like "Virginia will now sing".
And then she sings.
or....
"Virginia will now go to the bathroom"
or "Virginia will now eat popcorn"
or.... on the occasions when she is willing to be observed doing activity she says " Virginia would like you to clap your hands 100 times" because of course we are sooo impressed with her spectacular performance.

She is bright, observant, savvy. She knows what she likes and doesn't like. When she is particularly displeased she will frequently say " Virginia will now  sing a VERY SAD SONG!!"
and then she proceeds to do some quite dramatic faux sobbing.
Ooooo uh ooooo uh ooooo.... sometimes sliding into Nooooooo, noooooooo.

Mona Lisa, the excellent and sensitive student who works with Virginia says to her....
 "Please,  sing that sad song quietly" and Virginia, never one to walk away from a challenge then offers this....
Ooooooo uh uh oooooo; noooooo, noooooo
 and then Mona Lisa whispers " now make that sad song even quieter" and Virginia will look at her and will bring her voice to an even quieter place, all the while maintaining the plaintive lament.....
Noooooooo, nooooooo......



This is a lovely example of how these kids communicate their emotional states and how they use codes and registers.They are so damn smart!! Virginia will sometimes slip into the use of " I". But it really doesn't matter. We know that things are just not going well when it is time to sing a VERY SAD SONG.
I may have to adopt this as a strategy for department meetings. I will give fair warning ( Harlequin wants to sing a VERY SAD SONG)  and  I will launch into a plaintive lament and wail beautifully..... Noooooooo, noooooo.
I will keep you posted on the results.

Thanks for reading. The kids I work with are gems. And my students... are amazing.  

"Help, help.... this woman is not my mother".... and other tales from Autism camp

Two weeks have passed since the conclusion of my 17th annual summer movement camp for kids, teens and young adults with ASD ( Autism Spectrum disorder). Week one had 55 campers and week two had 60 campers of various ages and manifestations of this remarkable way of being in the world. I also had 40 (mostly) wonderful students and another dozen returning veterans who I affectionately call " Angels" who help out the wonderful students in their efforts to work with the campers. 
Here is the first of a series of  vignettes that tell a little bit of what it is like to be at my camp.....

Vignette 1 This woman is not my mother.....

Igor is 8 years old. So far this summer he has been kicked out of every camp in the province by day two of camp because of his abusive language and manner with staff and other campers,  and his overall unlike-ability. In my opinion, not liking a kid is no reason to deprive him of a camp experience and most of the kids I work with do not get to have many camp experiences.  He is a bit hard to take.... arrogant, brilliant, verbally skilled, disdainful of other campers who are more severe than he is ( he calls them "retards" among other less complimentary terms) and also of the students who work with him ( he calls them whores and wenches and bitches and stupid and pathetic.... blah blah.... ) and he is profane. Of course, we cannot react to any of this because it only feeds the fire of the attention seeking. On the rare occasions when he is not finding fault and being the general manager of the universe, he can be charming and cute. Kinda like an 8 year old boy with a great imagination and sense of wonder and curiosity about the world. This is what we hang onto for motivation. I tell my students NEVER to be alone with their kid. Always have another student and camper with you. Travel in 4's. Right. What would the old teacher know, anyway??
So, we go on Wednesday to a very cool Safari place with animals and rides and playgrounds and a HUGE splash pad... an all around fun day. It is crowded, lots people from the surrounding area go to this place, not only camps like mine. So, Igor and his student, let's call her Treasure, are with another student and child, let's call them Dimitri ( the child) and Cherish ( the student). Cherish has to take Dimitri to the bathroom. Treasure decides to stay where she is with Igor. Big crowded open area with a nice playground. What could go wrong?? I suspect that Igor had this little action plan brewing all day, and was just waiting for his moment. And now, here it is.... his moment. He yells in a loud and piercingly clear voice: "Help help .... this woman is not my mother or my guardian.... somebody please knock her out... help help...."
Treasure is immobilized. She tells me later that she had no idea about what she could do.... if she ushers him off to the side she looks like the abductor he claims she is. If she steps slightly away from him, she looks like she has been caught in the act. She stands helplessly by, hoping that Igor will not attempt an escape, until Cherish and Dimitri return from the bathroom ( Dimitri has more of a stereotypical "look" of a child who has some atypical stuff going on....) and the horrified onlookers put two and two together ( literally) and go back to their regular being there activities. I glare at Igor. He shrugs and gives me the " can't blame a guy for trying to have a little fun" swagger. I walk until I am  close enough to touch him, but do not make any contact. I hover over him for a moment and then crouch down so I am at eye level. "Not funny," I say in a very cold, very soft voice. And I stand and walk away.
Igor's mom is not as upset as I think she ought to be. I wonder about how his strategizing is received in other contexts. But there is not much I can do about that.
In the debrief after all the campers have gone,  the students have a renewed understanding about not being alone with their camper. And we do some brainstorming about what to do in a situation like that.
It could have been worse.  At a lot of levels, it is funny, absurd, wicked..... and we can appreciate that.
At a lot of levels it is sad and poignant .... and we can appreciate that more.
The amazing gifts of experiential learning.

more vignettes to come. Hope you enjoy....