Dying/broken/forgiven.... now I begin

Born: 17-06-56....gemini.... monkey
re-born: 3-09-80
born again\found: 14-04-08
other notable dates: 10-03-68; 03-09-87; 23-03-96;
1-05-98; 31-01-02; 5-04-04

Interests: movement, stressed/transgressive embodiment, lived experience (body\space\time\relation)
expression ( word, dance, text, image, story, music, poetics)
learning, yielding......

Hopes for the blog:
offer up the wild intersectedness of lived experience and engage others in creative, expressive, perhaps irreverant, hopefully playful, and respectful encounters....
enact kindness
create moments of pause for disclosure, discovery, stillness

Monday, January 28, 2013


Chemical, poison, , beast, fire, train.
And, for its encore, there are other destructive effects other than preventing the cancer cells from doing what they do.
It is powerful and nasty.
I have been living with this beast since mid December. I have learned that the day of, and the two days after are relatively good. Then, by day three, the effects hit me like a train. Pain, disorientation, nausea, loss of sensation..... the anti vomit drugs are great. But, they are a bit of a wild combination in themselves. One of them is an amphetamine/steroid combo and the other is a narcotic, so I have the added thrill of being REALLY ALERT  and really confused and fuzzy at the same time. This lovely feeling lasts for the week or so after the treatment. Then, things start to subside.
Two weeks and one day after the first treatment, I began to lose my hair. 10 days later, it is all gone. I am getting reacquainted with my head. I like it! I have a pretty good looking head.
At my second treatment, my oncologist and I have a consult and he  decides that 10 days of pain and loss of sensation and reflexes are not harbingers of good things to come, so he discontinues the Taxol.
I am now on only one chemical, and while it is a poison, it is not the beast that Taxol is. And the drip is only one hour as opposed to the four and half it took the first time.
I am so happy!!
The week after is still not fun; but it is a distress I can manage. Four to go. One is next week and then I am half way there. Yippee!!
I am surprised at how much my energy has been affected. I always took it for granted, assumed I had an infinitely renewable resource, never gave it a second thought.  Now, I actually have to think and choose. I am learning new habits of body.  This is a gift I did not expect, but I am learning to listen and wait in ways that I did not have to consider before. I am open to my moments..... I am learning how to yield.

I am so grateful for the support of friends, here in the blogosphere and in my face to face world. Your and their ongoing compassion and witnessing have been touching and meaningful.